Review 10:  The Brasserie Café, London Bridge

Firstly, I should point out that, sadly, it is not The Esteemed Tea Drinker One writing this review, but me, who shall henceforth be known as "Guest Star" Tea Drinker.  I should also point out that no tea was harmed or, indeed, drunk, during the making of this review.  For people who want their money back at this point, I wholly understand.  But such is life.  Further sad news - The Venerable Tea Drinker One, founding father of this superb website, is being seconded to deepest, darkest Africa for 6-months-to-forever (subject to contract), so it is possible that, provided he approves of my girlish style, a large number of reviews may have to be written by me in his absence.  Great woe.  Anyway, on with the review.

1 atmosphere                          ***

2 the food & drink                    ****

3 price                                     ** and a half

4 hospitality                             *

5 reading potential                   *****

6 clientele                                **

7 location                                 ****

8 busy-ness                            **

9 professionalism                   ** and a half

The review was carried out by myself under the careful supervision of Tea Drinker One, who was sadly feeling somewhat jet-lagged, sweaty and deaf, and so was perhaps not quite up to par with how to best train this young protégée tea drinker.  As you can see from the title, this is another café not based in Hereford, but instead in our Fair Capital, London.  The approach to the café offers a pleasing view of our newest landmark of note, Foster's 'Erotic Gherkin' and also a lot of general nastiness - the road to the South Side of the River is littered with smelly fast food joints, dirty stationary outlets and vagrants on crutches.  However, the brassier itself is down some pleasant little sandy stone steps in a olde fashioned alley way running towards the Thames, and the seating arrangement offers a very picturesque view of a random Cathedral, much admired by Tea Drinker One.  Hence a 4 star for location despite the general post-war ming of London Bridge. 

The café itself is clean, light and airy, and comes in pleasing higgledy piggledy stacks of floors like a house of cards.  Décor is kept to a minimum, and there isn't much of a personality, but it is a very pleasant environment in which to sip tea and ponder the world.  Unfortunately no tea was drunk - Tea Drinker One opted for water, excited (probably) by the prospect of a lack of malaria, and Guest Star Tea Drinker realised she didn't have enough money for a drink and had to make-do with a homemade burger and thieving sips of Tea Drinker One's water.  The water, as it goes, was properly cold, and the burger was very tasty. 

Staff seemed fairly nonexistent, hence the low score, but a young boy did regularly appear to keep the tables at a neurotic level of cleanliness.  The lack of staff would make the place ideal for reading - Tea Drinker One managed to sit unharrassed, clutching a number of bags, and not eating or drinking anything for well over ten minutes whilst I queued for my ground up cow - very unusual in London where any attempt to sit in an establishment without purchasing a horrendously over-priced beverage is normally met with glares on a par with being a baby-murderer.  Despite the lack of busy-ness inside the café, the queue for the fresh burgers outside was long, and populated largely by arsey businessmen and German tourists in tie-die looking horrified at the chef using his hands to touch both cooked and uncooked meat (doesn’t bother me, I like germs).  Being the only staff member I had any experience with, the chef is the source of most of the people-related star ratings.  He seemed nice enough - he referred to me a 'Lovely' and 'My Pretty' which I would have found patronising had it not been for the fact I am currently hideously disfigured by mosquito bites and need all the flattery I can get.

It was pretty expensive, but not bad for London, where they will charge you £5.99 for a cup of Nescafe and some month-old biscuits in some places.  True story.

Overall I would give it (***), there wasn't anything wrong with it and the food was enjoyable, but apart from the pleasant ecclesiastical views there wasn't much remarkable about it either.  I must say Tea Drinker One seemed rather unimpressed, but then it is hard to enjoy oneself when half deaf and about to be posted to Senegal.  The reviewer would also like to take this opportunity to thank Tea Drinker One for his generous gift of 1 Euro.  This shall be my lucky Euro, and I will carry it with me on future reviews.